Posts Tagged ‘alan sheare’

Former BDO Darts World Champion, Andy Fordham - a man who knows how to celebrate

Rio Ferdinand (Footballer, Manchester United)

Wanna get a coffee after the game?

Reformed roaster and Twitter junkie, Rio Ferdinand, seldom scores any goals. Haunted by his meagre personal haul, he has made it his mission to destroy the glorious scoring moments of his teammates, by jumping on top of them like an excitable pooch raping its owner. The next time you see Rooney curl a sumptuous effort into the top corner, allow the seconds to pass by before the screen is interrupted by the bouncing Ferdinand, mouth agog, leaping on top of anything in sight, and imploring broken Britain to roar with him. If you ever fancy a laugh, follow Ferdinand on Twitter and revel in the hourly banalities issued from his iPhone, finished on most occassions with the hashtags “#oof!” and “#relentless”; as in, “I just spread some butter on my toast #oof! #relentless”. Steve Jobs would be proud.

Usain Bolt (Athlete)

The horror, the horror

I must confess to an utter ambivalence for athletics; the idea that people would get excited about, let alone spend any money to watch, a couple of preening blokes running in a straight line for ten seconds, or a butch Bulgarian throwing a stick passes me by. Sure, one must credit athletics for giving us the human laughter cannon, Chris Akabusi, and the amusing party game ‘find John Regis’ neck’, but it is otherwise the pastimes of the playground transposed to grandiose arenas.  Bolt’s celebration sums up the silliness of it all, as he spends more time prepping his imaginary arrow to the sky as he does running, the token mascot cleverly manoeuvred into the shot; the end-result a rampant mix of ego and corporate opportunism.

Facundo Sava (Footballer, ex-Fulham)

Without his celebration, Sava would be just another addition to the roster of woeful foreigners imported to the English Premier League since Sky began its monopoly in 1994. A desperately poor player, Sava managed to convince Fulham to part with £2 million to secure his services in 2002, money which Muhammed Al-Fayed could have sensibly used to buy a sculpture of Bubbles to accompany Jacko’s lone bronzed presence outside Craven Cottage. With an embarrassing haul of 6 goals in 27 games, Sava offered Al-Fayed and his cronies little reason for cheer, however if he spent more time honing his finishing ability than he did celebrating his few moments of glory, he might have troubled Emile Heskey in the proficiency stakes. The routine itself saw Sava delve into his sock and unfurl a Zorro mask, before spinning around the pitch like a wanker, all for no good reason. Recognition of basic human rights has seen the video taken down from YouTube, and an unsatisfactory picture is sadly all I can offer.

Lee Hughes (Footballer, Notts County)

Lacking the polished finish of an Al Qaeda production

Short, ugly and ginger, Lee Hughes was dealt a poor hand. In 2004, his hand ducked below the breadline when a judge sent him to the pen for 6 years for taking someone’s life in a hit-and-run incident. Before his incarceration, Hughes had been a decent footballer, hitting his goalscoring peak at West Brom circa 1999, when myself and friends would frequently spunk a few mill to sign him in Champ Manager. Thankfully, the virtual world of Champ Manager shielded the addicted gamer from seeing Hughes celebrate like a bell-end. While we rapped our keyboards in the comfort of our middle-class homes, I expect Hughes was forced to tone down his celebration while playing for prison team Featherstone F.C. for fear of scrambling for the soap in the post-match showers. The celebration itself is a piss-poor version of the Gyan dance (see below), with Hughes jumping up and down and waving his arms in the air like a drugged-up party reveller. While Hughes’ wiki page provides useful insights about his £750,00 mock-tudor mansion, it fails to explain the origins of the awful dance moves, perhaps because it was spawned in the playground as a form of defence to the inevitable playground bullies.

Andy Murray (Tennis Player)

Look, mum, I did a poo

Where does one start with ‘Muzza’? As a fairly useful tennis player, I can but purr with appreciation as Murray pummels a double-handed background down the tramline, before wincing in horror as he dumps an overhead into the base of the net. Clearly, the problem is mental rather than technical and one can only hope that he learns from the majestic efforts of Novak Djokovic and learns to embrace challenges, rather than remain a timid wreck. Even if he improves his mental health, public acceptance will be lacking until he stops celebrating an important set by turning to his long-suffering team in the stands and roaring “Cum ‘awn”, like a cocky toddler using the potty for the first time. There is no class in this celebration, no muted cool, just the unravelling of a man on the edge. Horrible.

Alan Shearer (Retired Footballer)

Brings tears to the eyes of any long-suffering Rovers fans

As a fervent Blackburn Rovers fan during their heady title-winning season, I became accustomed to the sight of Shearer lacing in yet another gritty twenty-yard bullet, his head ducked down to the floor while saluting the skies with his right mitt. An unbelievably boring man, it is perhaps fitting that Shearer’s one-hand-in-the-air celebration lacked any fancy flourish, however as no-one else ever scored for Blackburn, I soon longed for something better. What went through Shearer’s mind when he first selected this permanent celebration in front of a plethora of alternative options? Had he not been seduced by Roger Milla’s flirtations with the corner flag? Did he not not weep with Marco Tardelli at the 1982 World Cup? Clearly not, as Shearer chose instead to honour modest northern grit. As the man himself might say, ‘it did the job’.

Asamoah Gyan (Footballer and Mercenary)


“Richardson, moving forward; now on to Gyan, Gyan gets past one, two, three…Gyan shoots OH MY WHAT A GOAL!!! And look at the…wait…oh ha-ha, have you got any dance moves like that, Mark?! Give over, John.”

For those unfamiliar with his work, Asamoah Gyan is a Ghanian footballer under the employ of Sunderland FC. Having paid £13m for his services in 2010, Gyan flicked the Vs at the club and fans alike, to move on a season-long loan to notorious football hotbed, the United Arab Emirates, no doubt comforted by his fourfold salary increase. While Sunderland fans may have been initially disappointed at the news, they will be saved the horrors of listening to John Motson express his embarrassed joy at Gyan doing some rhythmless jig after he finds the back of the net. It transpires that Gyan thinks of himself as a bit of a music affaciando, having recorded and released a song called ‘African Girls’ with the help of seminal Ghanain musician, ‘Castro the Destroyer’. The result is as woeful a piece of music as you will ever find, featuring the ‘trademark dance’ from 2:54 onwards. Bring back the Scatman, all is forgiven.

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